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My Story

This is my story. I was raised with 3 brothers. In a suburb of San Francisco. I was a very shy redheaded freckle faced child. I don't remember much of my life before the age of 9. It is buried deep in my mind and now at the age of 49, it is pretty much a blank. I remember my father was in the Navy.. Dad was gone alot, out to sea. Mom was a homemother and always there for us. I can remember her always doing laundry, cleaning or watching someone else's kids. I love my parents very much, but can remember being so scared of them leaving me that I couldn't even spend the night with a friend for fear they would think I no longer loved them. Needless to say, one of them would have to come pick me up in the middle of the night if I did try to stay with a friend. I suppose I was a difficult child to handle. In all the pictures that mom has of me when I was very young, I was always crying. Poor mom... could never get me to smile. I dunno maybe I was scared of the camera.. suppose I will never know.

Dad was only 34 when mom got the call that he had had a heart attack and was in a hospital in San Diego, which meant mom would be going to be with him. As for the 4 of us, all I remember is that we had to go stay with relatives.

 So here we are, my brothers and I staying with family members because mom had to be away with dad. I am not sure how long she was gone. I don't remember too much about the visit other than that horrid night that I was carried out of the bedroom in the middle of the night with a hand across my face. I was taken to the garage, and placed in the back seat of the car where I was raped.. the pain was so horrible. I can't even remember my exact age; the closest I can figure is that I was between 8 and 9 years old.  I remember mom coming to get us for the weekend before she had to go back to the hospital to be with dad...  And she was so angry with me because I refused to get out of the car when she took us back so she could leave again for San Diego. She was grabbing for my arm and getting very frustrated because she couldn't reach me. I was cowered on the floorboard on the opposite side of the car.. Then I remember being taken to the home of some friends, a very nice couple that we knew from church. They were like replacement grandparents, since most of my relatives lived in the midwest. I stayed with them until mom and dad returned from San Diego. It wasn't long after that, dad, after 17 years of service, was retired from the navy on a medical discharge and our family moved back to the midwest.

I carried all this guilt with me and all this fear for 2 years before telling anyone about it. Finally, I told  someone I thought I could trust with the secret, who then sexually abused me for years.  Once again I was forced to live with the 'secret'.

The only person that I thought I could trust enough to bear some of the burden I had carried for 2 years, and they too sexually abused me!!  And between the ages of  9 - 11 that is alot of weight to carry. I became even more introverted; spent most of my time in my bedroom alone, had very few friends, fewer people that I actually trusted.

Grade school was awful. I was teased constantly - called names etc etc. While I was in Jr. High School, I was still very shy, had few friends, and gained tons of weight. Perhaps that was my way of dealing with the abuse - becoming ugly in my mind so no one would want to touch me again.  Internally, the teasing from the other kids was more than I could bear, but when I was in the 8th grade I was nominated to be a contestant for the Ms. Merry Christmas contest in our town. Me in a beauty contest?  Well trust me, it wasn't because I was beautiful. The kids thought I looked like Santa Claus due to my weight and the fact that I had redhair. Mrs Santa Claus, that is what they were calling me. It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life! I didn't win - thank God -  but it didn't stop the teasing.

I remember one time I was walking in the hall during class time and as I walked past the boy's rest room, one of the boys in my grade shoved me in the door. There were several boys in there using the urinals. My God, I thought I would never be able to show my face in school again. The teasing motivated me to seek medical help for my weight problem and during that following summer I lost 40 Lbs before the start of school the next fall. I was elated! No one knew who I was. Everyone thought I was a new kid on the block, until they found out what my name was and the tormenting went from fat jokes to jokes about redhair and freckles.  I was doomed.

I survived my high school years, don't know how I did it, but I DID!!! I dated the same boy for 4 years all thru high school. Of course, he didn't attend the same school, so he didn't know about the harrassment. I was "IN LOVE".. right...  I was in love so long as no one mentioned sex, or marriage, or a honeymoon, or the wedding night. And when this wonderful boy found out that I had been raped... he still wanted to marry me. Oh no that can't be. I wasn't someone you married! I was dirty, used. So I tried to make him think I hated him and after 4 years I broke up with him and took off for college.

Nothing could stop me now. I was going to study to be an architect.  Can you imagine,  a female architect way back then?? Although there were a few, just not many.. welllllll  WRONG. I was date raped and it messed my mind up so much that I quit school after one semester and went home. I told mom and dad of course that their little girl just figured that architecture wasn't what she really wanted to do with her life.  I suppose I could have continued with college had the boy not followed me around. Every corner I turned, there he was and he even followed me in his car. I couldn't bare it, so I cowered again and went home.. where I was "safe"   Eventually, I moved out on my own, got a job, had a car and I was on top of the world. I was going to go places now!  Wrong again. I met this wonderful man and fell madly in love with him. We married. He told me on our wedding day, the minute we walked into our home, that things would go his way or not at all. Hmmm... ok.. I am the submissive wife. The bible says that's the way it should be, right? I tollerated his abuse and cheating for nearly 6 years. Finally, I could no longer take being humiliated and accused of things that I wasn't doing, so I told him I wanted a divorce. Guess that was the wrong thing to say. He didn't hit me, because I ducked and his fist went thru the wall, but he did rape me. When I woke up - I had passed out - he was slapping me, trying to get me awake, saying  "Oh my God, what have I done"... needless to say, I did leave him. That was 20 years ago.

We had a child that was 5 months old when I left the first time, but it took three times before I really knew that I couldn't go back to the way things were. He still blames me today, but that's ok, I have broad shoulders.  And he tries to intimidate me also.  I also believe that he takes some of his hate for me out on our daughter, but I can not really be certain.  I just know he is a very hateful man and no one can seem to do anything right in his eyes.  He was never very active in her life and still doesn't have much to do with her. 

I married 3 more times after that, all abusive in one way or the other. The men were very insecure about themselves and very jealous... all but the last one - he was so addicted to drugs, so really didn't care much about anything else. I was so scared that the drugs were going to kill him that I let it consume my life trying to help him.  And it got the best of me before it got the best of him... I ended up in the hospital for 3 months with severe major depression... I was physically and mentally exhausted. Again suicide looked like an option for all the pain... But again what about my children and my family?  I knew that I had to do something to change the way my life was going...But I just didn't have the strength or the will... I was seeing a christian psycologist at the time and when I tried to tell him how I was feeling, I broke down.... and the Next 3 months were spent in a hospital learning to cope with all I had been thru during my life... I thought that when I left there I was going to be strong enuff to handle anything... They taught me about tough love, and helped me with alot of other issues also... and after going home I gave my husband an ultimatum, It is either the kids and I or the drugs... needless to say he chose the drugs.... We divorced in 1990..he filed I didn't want to go thru another divorce, but I still  had to get an order of protection against him...He became very angry that I was telling him he had to leave, we had already been thru 2 seperations due to his drug use.. He knocked me down a flight of stairs and pulled a 200 lb bookcase on top of me.  We fought over an AR-15 assault rifle, not to worry the ammo wasn't with the gun,  and I knew that but I really didn't want to let him take the gun since he was on drugs... he was a "collector" he said but that was the only gun that I know he had.. The day that I had asked him to leave, my sunday school director was with me.. when he started fighting me over the gun ( which by the way was still in the case) she called the police because he was getting so violent.. The police came and took the gun from him, after I had locked him in the garage... I was only trying to protect him and protect the family, you hear of such awful things that drugs cause you to do, especially when you get really angry, I had a power come over me that was refusing to let him get his hands on the gun.. needless to say I wasn't strong enuff, but all turned out with no one getting hurt, other than a few bruses from the bookcase and being shoved down the stairs... even after all that,  4 years later, I allowed him to come back home, we were going to try to work things out, but had seperate bedrooms, was more like roommates, that lasted for a year.. he had convinced me that he had been thru drug rehab, and his mother confirmed it.. He was drug free.. yeah right.. so for the next year I tried again to help him get clean..  I pulled him out of 3 crack houses in a very bad part of town, but still the threats of tough love didn't mean a thing to him.. the drugs were all he could think about.. he lost his job after 10 years service, and couldn't keep another one.. I did everything that I could possibly do till I started going down hill again and allowing this to consume my life and I wasn't going there again... After being in the hospital, I learned that beating drug addiction was something that he had to do on his own and I was told I should try tough love. I tried it alright. That lead to him leaving for good. I have been alone now for almost 13 years( I don't count the year that he came back as being "with" him, since we had seperate bedrooms)  It's not that I finally wanted to be alone, but I have learned it is the safest.

I was in an auto accident in 1984 that did alot of damage to my spine.. I had surgery on my neck in 1991 and was placed on permanent disability in November of the same year due to a broken vertebrae in my lower back. Doctors were/are afraid to operate because it is pressing on my spinal cord..(and this only took 7.5 years to find). I am not paralyzed, but suffer great pain. If I would have the surgery there is a possibility that I could be paralyzed, so the doctors have chosen not to do anything unless my condition gets worse. Not real sure what 'worse' is because this pain is unbearable much of the time. I still suffer from major depression and I have terrible migraines. Those are my dark days, my own form of tough love - tough self love.

I worked for 13 years at a plant here in the midwest. I loved my job, it was in quality control. I worked a shift different than the regular shifts so that I could come in early enough to get things ready for the day shift, which put me to work about 4:30 or 5:00 am. The building was pretty empty and pretty quiet at that time of day, except for a few areas where maintainence was going on. Then I started being harassed by one of the foremen on the night shift. It seemed that every time I would go to deliver paperwork to a certain engineering office, he would be there. I would already be inside of an office that was part of this bigger office, but on my departure he would grab me and throw me into a chair on his lap. I rarely heard him come in. Even though my job was to have the paperwork on the desks when everyone reported for duty, this humiliation went on until I finally decided to wait to deliver the paperwork until after someone else showed up for work that was assigned to that office.

I never reported any of the abuse to the authorities; I was too embarrassed. If I had made a report about the sexual harrassment on the job, I wondered who would believe me and what the consequences might be..so I kept my mouth shut. My rapes were never reported either. I know in my heart what happened to me.. and I know that someday those that hurt me will have to answer for it. It is not my job on this earth to judge anyone. I will leave that job to God, my Father.

I have a hard time forgetting, but I do believe that I have forgiven, or at least I am trying. Because of all the abuse that I suffered thru my life, I still find some anger inside me that is very hard for me to deal with. My faith still remains. I have to be honest and say that there have been times I have questioned whether God was always with me. But deep in my heart, if I really think about it, I know that without him I would never have survived.  The thought of ending my life has crossed my mind many times, but what about my children? My Grandchildren?   Who would be there for them? What about my parents and my siblings, they might all think that I didn't love them. That's what I live for! I want to prove my love to them and also reach out and help someone else's hurting heart..  Maybe by crying together we can help to heal each other's wounds. I still suffer from severe depression, but I cope. But what helps my heart the most is reaching out and touching someone else's pain.  I am no hero, no martyr, I am a woman of every day existence.  My pain is no more than the women I pass in the grocery store.  I am no angel  (but I feel them all around me :). I still have dark days and I still have anger, but I also have Hope.  I am a survivor! I still weep and I still ask why.. but I survive. I am on the journey to healing.

Did you know that three out of 4 girls between the age of 12 and 16 will be sexually abused before their 16th birthday...In the United States, 1.3 women are raped every minute. That results in 78 rapes each hour, 1872 rapes each day, 56160 rapes each month and 683,280 rapes each year.   1 out of 7 women will be raped by her husband.  61% of all rape cases are victims less than 18 years old. 22% are between the ages of 18 and 24.  78% of rape victims know their attacker.  

What exactly is rape?  In short, rape is any non-consentual form of intercourse. If you have ever made a woman feel guilty that she wouldn't have sex with you, or you belittled her to where she felt "obligated" then you have "raped!"  NO means NO!  If she does not want to have sex with you and she says "no" , or "not right now" , or "I have a headache" and you decide that it is your right, or you decide that it is her "wifely duty" (as I was told many times)   or she "Owes you"   or to let you have your way, then YOU are about to rape if you continue to do what you want and disregard her feelings.. The rapes that I indured where not as "simple" as this might sound.  Rape, no matter how unviolent it might seem to be, is still rape, and it is extremely traumatic and degrading to the victim.  It is a violent act, unwanted sex is a violent act of control by the attacker.. regardless  of weither the attacker uses a knife, or gun or his own demeaning words to make the victim feel guilty, or belittle her and demand that she do as he says because she is his "wife"

A marriage license doesn't give anyone a license to demand sex.  A marriage license is an act of Love, completeness.  An act of oneness.  Don't you dare ever think that it is a license to have sex because "YOU" say so, because "YOU" think that it is something "YOU" have title to..  Marriage isn't an ownership, it is a partnership.  A bond brought together by God, that the two shall become "one" in spirit.  Marriage is giving of oneself, not demanding of the other partner.  Marriage doesn't give one control over the other, I know that alot of people believe that it is an act of submission, but they do not understand that, that submission is that the wife will submit to the husband as Christ submits to the church.  Loving each other so much that neither has to worry that the other is demanding his own way.  A wife doesn't have to submit to a husband that is bossy or only wanting things his way because he says so.. she shall submit to him as Christ submits to the Church, the body of Christ.   A husband that is leading his family according to the will of God.  A Husband shall love his wife as he does his own body, As Christ loves the Church!  Following the examples of the bible..

Loving, not for his own personal gain, but for the betterment of the family according to God's word.  Love one another as God Loves us.

I wondered what I could do to help kids - like rape victims - that are in so much pain? Being disabled, there wasn't too much I could do physically, so I opened my home to homeless teens. I sheltered kids that had been abused by their parents, and I let the state place teens in my home for short periods of time - a safe house so to speak - till they could counsel with the parents and the teens together. I didn't have much money and I didn't ask for help so eventually I lost my home. I don't know if I was too proud to ask for help or what it was, but I didn't and so I lost my home. I fought hard for 12 years to keep it, but It wasn't meant to be.  I lived with a couple that I knew from where I worked. They both work the night shift and have two teenage sons.  I was there in the evenings to supervise the boys.  I did that for 3 years, I have now been living by myself for the last 4 years, as things didn't work out with the family I was helping, that is too long of a story to even get into.. but I got out of that..  I don't know where my life is leading, but I believe that God led me here. I had struggled for the children's sake for 12 years to keep something that was eating me alive financially.  I had done everything for my foster kids that I could do, it was time for them to move on and help themselves now. They needed to assume some responsibility and not have someone taking care of them. I hope that I made a difference in their lives and I hope that they are all ok now.  I do stay in touch with most of them, but there are few that I have lost track of over the years.

I am now on the verge of some important life changes. I am not sure what those changes will be, but I feel that something powerful is in the air. For sanity and personal growth after the loss of my home, I buried myself in the computer and after 8 years of persistant effort, I haven't done too badly. I've learned a lot. I have not fully mastered webpage design, but I am learning. I hope that I may be able to operate a homebased business someday.

    I look at myself and I see this woman that I really don't know. I seem to be a stranger. It's kind of a sad thing when I think, 'What have I really done in my life?'. I am 49 years old and don't really have any goals. Yet, I thought I had goals, sound goals! I wanted to be a good wife and a wonderful mother. I wanted a small home with a white picket fence. I had the husbands and I have the children, but for some reason it didn't all fit together the way I had planned.  I keep saying someday things will be right.. someday..

Over these last years of trauma, I have gained weight due to my disability and the medication that I had to be on. I feel I am in a catch 22 situation with my weight... with my life... but I am proud of my children; and my grandchildren. I am proud of my sense of humor - even thru all the pain I can still laugh, I can still tell a joke.  I cry sometimes.. life's stresses get to me at times... but I can also create. I can design. I can make just about any craft that I see anywhere. I am a singer and I can sing my heart out. I have compassion for those whom I see are hurting and I can still see and take part of the beauty of God's work. His world, His beautiful trees and plants and all the colors of the rainbows. Did you realize that a rainbow is made of moisture and sunshine -  tears and smiles? I can still see there is hope and I have not lost my faith. I sometimes wonder why God allowed so much pain in my life. But I know God doesn't cause the pain. He is the one to comfort us when we are hurting. He feels the pain we feel and he cries the tears that we cry.. (rainbows?). I remember not so many years ago that God was my ever-presence. Recently, I thought he had left me. I thought,  'Gee, He must be on vacation' and then I read the poem "Footprints" and I realize that God was not only there, He has had to carry me; because when I look back at where I had been, there is no way I could have walked it alone. Why does God allow so much pain?  I am no bible scollar, but I believe that if we didn't suffer pain we wouldn't know compassion. How could we reach out to others who are hurting, if we couldn't feel what they are feeling?  Empathy.. for without the pain, there would be no empathy, no understanding... and without these, how would things ever get better?

I think that maybe the hardest part of all this is that My parents do not know all of what happened to me... there are times that I think they must think I am a total loss and will never really amount to much... I wish that they could see my pain without feeling it for me... But I don't want to burden them with it.. I want to protect them, Because I love them both very very much.  I don't want them to blame themselves.. And it isn't because I don't feel I can talk to them, I just don't want them to worry about me

Below are Links that might help you in your journey to wellness.

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Broken Wings - Lots of resources for Domestic Violence and Alcoholism and Abuse

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